by Roy & Dee Kay
Her lips slowly curled towards her ears, flashing the depressions on both the sides of her cheeks. The look on her face was alien to me yet it filled my heart with warmth. The rhythmic beats that were outrageously pounding under my skin at once relaxed into soft palpitation. I felt an uncanny feeling of sanctuary and a comforting promise of togetherness in her expression as I traced my gaze towards her eyes. I was all at once awestruck by those beautiful brown eyes. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life. Well to be technically correct, I had never seen anything until that moment. The gaze was tiring me out. I felt the heaviness of my eyelids as I could not keep them open anymore. I tried to hold them from closing as long as I could, trying to memorize her pretty face. It was such a splendid sight enveloped in her tenderness that I was not yet ready to let go of it. I stretched my fingers towards her with a desire to feel it by my touch. I was only a few millimeters away from her face when my eyelids betrayed me and sheathed me into complete darkness.
It was surprising that even in the pitch black, I could feel her. I wasn’t alone in that darkness. There was something that was still keeping me connected with her. I was trying to discern it when all of a sudden, a fragrance seeped in my senses through my nostrils and instantly pushed the darkness away, replacing it with her vivid face. I was about to cherish the moment when my eyelids opened by itself, bringing me back to her again.
Everything was so confusing. I could see her first…then darkness…then an aroma making me see her once again…and those eyelids that were taking me away from her only to bring me back in the next instant. In that disoriented state, I almost forgot to notice that my fingers were brushing her skin. All my senses colluded towards it as if it was the most important emotion. I felt the surface as I traced my fingers from those cavities on her cheeks, skimming over the plateau of the softest expanse above those dimples, sliding over the smooth ridges of her nose and ending at her lips. She at once pouted them and kissed my fingers and her eyes started to shine brighter. Her skin felt exactly like mine. Her kiss seemed to drown me in affection. A bubble of emotions started to form within me, rising upwards and urging me to scream. I parted my lips to shout but all that came out was silence. Still, in that silence, her smile answered my muted breath.
I closed my eyes. She disappeared, at once. Slowly the same familiar fragrance painted her face in front of me. The same face that a few months earlier was just a beautiful dream for me. The same face that I had longed to see for so many days. The same face that in my darkness of deep slumber was only hope of light. Now, with my eyes closed, I started to slowly fall back into the same darkness that had been my safe haven, until that moment. Those few memories were what I had called my “FIRST MINE”. I began to drift towards my “FIRST MINE” but now I had her fragrance to accompany me.
The first time I heard her was in the pauses of a pulsating sound. The sound rose and dropped in a periodic manner and another similar light tone accompanied it. It seemed as if the lighter one was an echo of the heavier sound. They danced in complete sync in which the latter followed in the footsteps of the previous. The lighter one felt to be originating from within me while the heavier was a bit far from around me. The resonance filled my dark world with music. I was lost in a complete reverie of the melody when I heard a strange voice.
“That’s the heartbeat… there…”
HEARTBEAT… Ah! So that is what it is called…
I drifted back to the light. My euphoria in those few moments met sudden rock-bottom as new and weird faces popped up behind her. The world of mine that I thought comprised only us was being invaded by those new intruders. I was extremely afraid yet I dared to save her by raising both my hands to cover her face. Unfortunately, my palms failed to cover no more than a fraction of an inch. I tried to hold her tight yet my arms fell short. With no other option left with me, I used my best weapon to destroy those invaders. I closed my eyes again. Everyone disappeared again leaving us in that comforting darkness and taking me back to my FIRST MINE.
My insides seemed to heat up. I felt thirsty. The burning sensation was spreading within me. I needed something to stop it. I needed it at once.
Then all of a sudden I again heard the same strange voice. “Can you get me some water?”
The strangeness in that voice slowly unmasked itself into sweetness as a cold liquid seeped in me enveloping the dryness into calmness.
Who was this person with such a magical voice? I felt calm. I felt secure.
I found some distance between her and me as I immediately opened my eyes. I was being taken away from her. I was scared. I did not want her to go away. She knows me and I know her. Let me be with her. I tried to shout but no-one seems to understand what I wanted to say. It was as if my language was so different from them. I just closed my eyes again, uniting myself to my memory patches.
I wasn’t able to sleep or maybe I was already asleep and wanted to wake up. It was an unfamiliar emotion that was making me restless.
Do something, please?… I even didn’t know to whom I was pleading or maybe I was silently hoping her to speak to me.
And then she did in the softest voice.
“Lullaby, and good night, in the skies stars are bright. May the moon’s silvery beams bring you sweet dreams.”, I heard her say. Her voice was soothing.
“Close your eyes now and rest, may these hours be blessed. ‘Til the sky’s bright with dawn when you wake with a yawn.”
I didn’t know what she is saying but her voice made me feel protected.
Bright light… Bright light… Bright light…
Why are you doing this? Their mouths are wide open while a liquid is rolling down their faces. What are these things in their hands? Why are they passing me around?
I don’t want to look at them. I want to be with her. I WANT HER.
I moved for the first time. I hit something with my legs. She seemed to be happy because of it so I did it again and again until I heard someone come near me. I stopped.
“Why isn’t he kicking?”, I heard a new voice to say. This one was very different from hers. I didn’t know who he was but he was always around whenever she needed something just like she understood when I needed something.
“Lullaby, and good night, you are mother’s delight. I’ll protect you from harm, and you’ll wake in my arms.”, she sang and I just kicked again. It was so fun.
His coarse voice pulled me back from my lost home. He was looking at me while I tried to focus away from him. I heard him again in a loud voice. He came closer to me and kissed my forehead.
“I don’t want you around. I only want her.”, I tried to say but again, no-one understood. They just smiled and laughed and so I retreated to my fragments of memories.
Something was wrong. I could feel a lot of movement around me. I was never terrified to such an extent ever. She was afraid too. I could sense her agitation.
I could hear her groaning in pain. Was it something caused by me? What did I do? I was not sure.
All of a sudden I felt a snap, making me slide a little. I froze in terror. My home was falling apart. I tried to hold on but there was nothing that I could grab.
“Her water broke… Bring the car…Fast Fast?”, I heard him shout. I was in a panic as I could feel the change around me.
What did I do wrong?
Please, she be safe. Please!
The overwhelming fear faded as I slipped back to the present. He was still holding me in his arms but I tried to reach out to her. I leaned towards her as his lips touched her. I tried to stop him from touching her but my leg couldn’t reach.
“SHE IS MINE.”, I said but this time I could see him panic as he immediately put me back in her arm.
“He doesn’t like this father..”, someone said as they laughed.
I was so happy to be reunited to her but the last lap of my memory was going to complete its course, snatching me from her and drowning me into it.
I could hear her heartbeat rise and the pain in her voice. I wanted to stop whatever was happening. I didn’t want to leave my place but there was a continuous push that was pulling me away from her. Make it stop, please. I was sliding away from my dark little chamber…my home was crumbling around me…I was being pulled even after all my efforts to hold on.
“Push… Push… Push…”, I heard a different voice this time. Who is this person making my world crumble? Why is he doing so?
I was so scared. I knew she was too. I could hear her wails and howls. Every scream of hers had the same sweetness and care and so I trusted her and allowed my world to fall apart. She was around me and that was all that mattered.
What was that? I felt something grab my legs. Where was she?
No… No… NO… NOOOO…
I was pushed out of the world that I had known for so long. This new world was so bright. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Everything looked different.
Where did my dark world vanish? Wait… This was the first time I ever opened my eyes.
“Congratulations..”, I heard that different voice again. He is the one responsible for this and he is the one holding me. I screamed but he didn’t care. I was wrapped into something.
Still, she was nowhere around. I couldn’t see her. There was one last hope in that one last string of connection with her. The thread through which she held onto me and me to her
I knew, whatever happens, they can’t take me away from her. I still have that one connection with her.
And then I felt someone grab it with a soft jerk on my body.
Wait… Don’t hold it… This is the only reminder of my world.. Please..
I pleaded. I begged. I cried.
But he cut it down.
I was completely blank and lost. There was no hope left now. All that remained was a wish to see at least the face of her for one time before the last connection to my disintegrating world disappears.
The Cord of my world.
The last footsteps of my memory safely brought me back to the threshold of my new world, before bidding me goodbye for forever. I wanted to keep them close to me and feel them always but they slowly melted away leaving me in her arms.
“Hey, baby!”, she said as the new world was growing on me because of her.
I turned to her.
“I love you.”, she said as her lips touched my forehead.
I didn’t know what love was yet her voice, her warmth, and her fragrance made me think of love to be just like her face.
Dedicated to all the mothers around the world
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