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In Search of Myself- The Acceptance: by Roy

BRAVE…the more you think you are, the fragile your heart gets.
You may seem strong for the people around you but for yourself, you become more vulnerable. You keep pushing yourself to stay brave, no matter what the circumstances are. You teach yourself not to give in, be whatever the situations come. You learn to keep up the impenetrable shell around you. But in the pressure of forcing yourself to be the paragon of strength, you forget that your heart gets flimsy, of living upto your expectations.

I thought I was brave. I felt I could devour any amount of darkness around me. I believed that I could pacify the turbulent hearts of people by listening to them. But, sometimes you misjudge the darkness and sometimes you expect a lot from yourself. Torn in between those two, you just lose the base of your existence…the existence that was born out of the sheer will…the will that was forged in the flames of your experience…the experiences that you misunderstood to be enough for the world…the world that never fails to surprise you with the magnanimity of its darkness. The vicious cycle that repeats itself on and on.

I always try to look at myself just the way you or someone else would see me. I try to judge myself on my actions. I try to evaluate myself on my statements. I would be no good to anyone, not even for myself if I stand to be a hypocrite. I have told myself that I can help my friends and those who are lost in the tunnel of darkness by being a beacon of light. I would draw their turmoils into my sink and vent them through my words. I could help them release themselves through my verses. But I forgot to calculate that maybe the amount of duskiness in their stories have the potential to overshadow the light. And that is what I did experience. Indeed, I helped her to emit her bottled-up feelings. Certainly, she felt as if a huge mountain was taken off her soul. I don’t know how many days she could stay in the respite. I pray that it may be as long as possible. But I did encounter the wrath of its aftermath.

COMFORT…the more you get, the weaker you become.
 I surely got so comfortable with myself and the achievements that I failed to keep the fire of the once-lost-guy burning in me. I should have been a warrior that never forgets his scars. I should have been that silent hero that walks with his head down only to raise it when fate dares to challenge him. I should have been the sailor that can sail his ship over the unruly waves. But all I did was to get cozy with the transient accomplishments…a novelette…a new novel…a huge website…an ivy univ…a hefty schol…and a scribbled dream.

I won’t be a hypocrite as I am freak’n damn too adamant.

ADAMANT…the more you have it, the longer your heart will survive your fall. I may have taken a huge jump off the cliff of my beliefs and dreams yet this silly heart of mine will understand that it is allowed to rent only a warrior as its resident…a warrior that never knows to stop
never fails to learn
never forgets to improve
never understands comfort
never waits for things
never says goodbye

There will always be the next mountain to climb…an another challenge to collide…a new road to walk into…and this warrior will always find his way back to his dreams…
with that little fire burning bright in the silly heart of his…like a beacon at the end of the dark long tunnel…

by Roy


Read the First Part#1:  In Search of Myself by Roy


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