By Dee Kay

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(This is a new segment to the website that is dedicated purely to the internal thought process of the authors. We would love to read your comments on the same.)

The past knocks on the door when the present drags you to the knees as a result of a life changing event. You’re at your most vulnerable and your mind is running on override so it tries to activate the defence mechanism specific to our previous experience under stress. In this process, the overlapping incision of previous experience triggered by the present tragedy builds on the foundation of the past opens the floodgates to the most haunting memories.

This is my experience with depression in few observant words.

Many a times few people ask me what does depression feels like and more than often I am lost of words to describe that daunting experience. Since, I have outgrown that phase and with experience comes maturity I am able to contemplate and describe what depression felt like for me. So here is what I feel.

Imagine you’re in the mountains after a heavy snowfall. The winds against your skin while you’re covered in your warm and cozy clothes. You look around and everything is just of one colour, white. Now, midst those inches of snow you see a bath tub filled with hot water and before you could react to it your realize that you’ve been robbed of your warm clothes. Just then out of thin air there is a dark shadowy figure holding a gun to your head and pushing you towards the tub. In the fear of losing your life you do as that scary figure says, you gets in that warm water. The moment your, now cold, skin touches the water there is an instant relief. You submerge yourself in that tub filled with warm water in a calm way as the dark figure disappears.

Now, if you get out and run you die due to the cold and if you stay longer in the water then you die too as sooner or later the warm water would turn cold. You don’t have any option and there is no one coming for the rescue. You’re trapped, isolated, and in grave danger of dying. That is what depression felt like to me.

The mountains in the above description reflect life as whole. Just like the mountains that have higher peaks and few lower ones you too have bigger and smaller dreams. During springtime, the mountains come to life just as we come to life in our happy moment but when the snowstorm comes in the winter it loses all the colours just like we do in depression.

The warm clothes that you’re wearing is the personality traits and your identity as a person which is suddenly stripped away by an event that might seem normal for others but to you it comes with a lot pain that further leads to your loss of identity and traits.

The dark figure reflects the past traumas or insecurities creeping out behind you when you’re at your most vulnerable i.e when you’re distracted. These past experiences or insecurities force you into a loop of undesired emotions and self doubt that adds to the pain. It scares you and at the same time pushes you towards the bathtub.

The bathtub with hot water symbolizes hope. Hope is a dangerous thing when applied in the wrong situation. It can help you overcome your demons but it also trick you to believe in a fantasy which when not achieved will only result in self-destruction. Be hopeful that you’re strong enough to change the present but don’t bet your hope on others because most of the time you will lose.

Now, many would say then how would someone even survive in those snow ridden cold mountains with no clothes and in a tub with water that is getting colder with each second?

The answer is simple, he looks back to the place where he came from and that is this house on that mountain. This house depicts family and your close circle of friends but the catch is that you’ve to come out of the water and reach the house on your own which means you need to ASK FOE HELP. The truth is that you will have to fight this battle alone in your mind but you don’t have to be alone outside your mind. Let your family and friends help you in case you doubt their abilities or think they won’t understand then reach out to a professional i.e a psychiatrist.

“Life may sometimes look dull and unbearable but remember just like all the other phases this shall pass too.”

Dee Kay


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