The Black Diary #3

The Black Diary is a symbolic segment that is created to tell the secret story of your struggle. This segment is for those brave-hearts fighting their silent battles every day & night. Let the world know your battle because you’re not alone. Few in this world of billions are ready to reach out to help you, or you can just finally let out those negative vibes out.
ALL ENTRIES IN THE BLACK DIARY WOULD BE KEPT ANONYMOUS.

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Male/28/Anonymous

Future is just an idea enclosed with hope and promises of a paradise, that we all know doesn’t exist. The more you think about future the more you get trapped in the loop of lies that steams down from the footsteps of human evolution. We all know that future is uncertain yet we all spend a quality time planning for it whereas our past experiences have given us ample evidence that nothing goes as planned so WHY do we even plan for an uncertain future?

I am sitting alone in my room thinking about the FUTURE that I may or may not have yet I plan for it, nevertheless. Look around yourself and tell me whether anyone you know had any idea what their future would look like.

I assume your honest answer would be a NO.

Then why do we even waste our time to think about the one thing which we are sure is uncertain. Well, I don’t know the answer to this question neither do I know why we spend more time thinking about the past that we cannot change.

I have tried bring changes into my life but I just cannot let myself go out of comfort zone because I am scared of the failure that will follow. The only time I really feel happy is when I am going to sleep because that’s the time I can imagine a better future than what I know is going to be if I keep walking this path.

Yes, I am depressed and I am fighting a constant war. Some days I win few battles while other days are a bloodbath in the battlefield.

The biggest concern I have is my fear of the future while my past failures still lures around haunting me from time to time. I am not afraid of asking for help but I am shit scared of falling down again. The strength within me is fading away so is my patience. Every day I try to escape the reality because I am too weak to face it. I am constantly trying to motivate myself and people around me when in reality the fire within my heart is wearing off slowly and painfully.

I can compartmentalize few things but I guess the compartments are either full or the doors are shut. I am struggling. And the worst part is that I know about it. I don’t have the money or the strength to reach out for help so I spend my time trying to dodge my responsibilities and find an escape in the books or movies that I read/watch. I spend time accumulating knowledge about things that I know isn’t useful in real life.

I am like that small candle lit in a dark room while the window is opened and gush after gush of strong winds are attacking my flames. I don’t really know for how long can I continue this but I am trying.

I hope the future would be better than today and yesterday.


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8 comments

  1. Oh I so feel like this all the time. But I am trying and this sentence constantly echoes in my head. Because all I know is the helping hands I want had to be my own. In the end it will be all about us and us only. 😊
    A candle is never completely burnt into ashes you know there’s always some wax left.. there is always some hope left. There’s always a life there’s always a way. And yes God loves us even if world doesn’t and if we are alive even after all that Shit. Boy we are stronger ray.😉
    Wonderful post..! I am trying. Yo.😎

    Like

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