RUMINATIONS is a NEW segment of the BLOG. This page will share the moments of soul-searching from Neel’s life. Hope his introspection becomes a source of motivation for others.
Diary Entry: Rant to Vent…7th Aug’17…0320 hrs
It has been three days in a row since I have been awake. I can’t sleep. I can’t stop the thoughts that are continuously multiplying itself in my mind. I wonder if you take a peek inside me, you will find a darkness so intense as a black hole that it may blind your senses. Let’s say you are able to withstand that blackness- believe me, you will really be the first one. Congrats! – and decide to move forward inside my mind. Then the next moment you will find your steps falling into tangles and webs of innumerable questions. At first, you might think that these questions are simple to answer that you will easily be able to untangle and move ahead. But dear intruder, let me warn you, the moment you think this, that very moment you are doomed since those questions are meant to entice you with its simplicity only to muddle your reasoning and entrap you forever.
If you think you are strong enough to handle the excessive mess and unravel yourself from the tangles, then I really salute you for your determination. But wait! it doesn’t end there only. There are few surprises left as you have just been scratching the surface of the dark deep abyss that awaits underneath. The boomerang of answers will push you into the ocean of expectations. You will start to emphasize even though your life is filled with light. This is the power of darkness. It can feed on every light. These are just like DEMENTORS of HARRY POTTER. I wonder if J. K. Rowling was as broken as I am so that she could come out with such a relatable concept of dementors feeding on your happy memories. But one thing I know is that she was able to find a way to push the darkness aside with her legendary PATRONUS Charm. Yeah! we all indeed need a Patronus charm in our life sometime or the other else we will be entrapped in the prison of our emotions forever.
There are so many layers of depression that the more you peel the above layer the thicker the next become. It sheaths you in and out. You think you are being realistic and mature when in reality you are just shutting yourself out from every little happy thing in life. You lose to realize the importance of a smile; fail to look at the beauty of a blooming flower; feel nothing when success knocks at your doorstep or failure befriends you. For you everything is alike…the cry of a child is as same as a smile of a senile… the love of your lover is same as the hatred of your enemy…the fun at the celebrations is same as the wails at the war. You just turn inert and dormant since you realize that light is ephemeral…that every flower that blooms is meant to wilt…that everything you feel important is ultimately going to lose its value.
I am fixated on the web of constraints. I want to be free of the expectations from myself. I want to breathe in a fresh air of independence. I don’t wanna behave in the set of rules assigned by the people around me. I don’t want to live with the cliche emotions of breakups and commitments. The more people commit to something, the greater they fail to stand up to their promises. I certainly don’t want to be a hypocrite. I want to squeeze every drop of love that my heart could generate. I want to walk along my words to the farthest point such that even my promises start to wonder the capability of my dedication. I want to dive deep into the ocean of realism and tell to its face that I can forgive the pains that you will bestow on me. I want to drown in the fathomless illusion and make it realize that I can easily see through its deception. I want to take the journey of search for the ultimate truth and to find the reason for my existence.
I know I sound too rustic with my feelings naked on you. But I don’t fear to look inside my darkness and face it head-on. I don’t fear to tell my darkness that I know you exist and I can handle you. But the warrior in me is not asleep. He is in contemplative mode. He is speculating his past and painting his future. He is learning every small and big trick of you. He remembers all your cajoles. He knows that there is light behind every failures and darkness post every success. He understands the loop on which this world moves. He has learned that everything needs to be balanced. There can be never too darkness without too much light and so he has taken the journey in the quest to find that intensity of light.
So dear depression…
Try to stop him and let yourself fade in his ardent will
Try to contain him and see yourself engulfed in the tsunami of his determination
Try to mislead him and find yourself torn apart in every bit of his maturity
The warrior is relentless to search for the ultimate Patronus charm…it may be hidden in anyone or in form of someone…it may be molded into anything…but he will find it and free every last person caged.
I know, diary, this rumination has moved on a different level, has taken an unexpected road, has taken up a huge responsibility…but tell me do you want to create history with me or fade away in someone else’s footprints…
PS: To anyone who reads till the end and owns his depression, I tell them to vent it out…rant it out…shout it out…and let your fallen warrior walk along with me in this mission…
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