The Black Diary is a symbolic segment that is created to tell the secret story of your struggle. This segment is for those brave-hearts fighting their silent battles every day & night. Let the world know your battle because you’re not alone. Few in this world of billions are ready to reach out to help you, or you can just finally let out those negative vibes out.
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At 22, I started working at my first job. It had been my dream job since I joined college and life suddenly seemed to be all roses and unicorns when that dream came true. New place, new learnings, new people, new life… I was beyond excited. And then, a couple of months into work, every day brought in a new surprise and not a good one. Nothing was what I had expected, but then again I didn’t know what to expect from work life. The work being dumped upon me at times seemed too silly and other times made no sense. A while later, my entire life had fallen into a fixed pattern, but I had never signed up for a monotonous life. Just a while ago I was in college and except for classes nothing else was fixed. And even classes would get cancelled at times, but the company never seemed to be in the mood for celebrating employee’s day.
Wake up, go to work, sleep – on weekdays. Party – all weekend. Seemed legit for a bit. Within a year I was completely drained. I was tired of the donkey work, tired of politics and gossips, tired of my life that sucked so badly. I wasn’t doing anything I enjoyed, and to make it all worse my personal relationship was going through a rough terrain. I even forgot if I ever had a passion that I could pursue. I become agitated, short-tempered. Little things annoyed me. I was a disappointment to myself because I wasn’t living up to my own expectations.
As fate would have it, I met some new people. We instantly clicked as all were in the same boat… wanting to do something on our own, something that excited us, gave a purpose or at least that would make us more money than we already did. We got serious and started meeting up, brainstorming ideas and concepts.
We started our e-commerce business and guess what? Failed miserably within a year! Personally, I had given everything I had for the success of it as I firmly believed this business is the only thing that would take me out of the rat race. I gave my time, energy, all my savings up to the last buck… and ended up losing even more. As we hit a rough patch, all my so-called ‘business partners’ ditched and went their own ways without any explanation. Not only did I lose all my money, I also lost the trust of my family who had strictly told me not to go ahead with the venture, and I was infuriated at them at the time. I lost all belief I had in me and considered myself the biggest loser I had ever known. All those sleepless nights, working weekends, running around, null social life, so so many sacrifices… all for nothing! After sulking for a long time, I made up my mind not to be affected anymore and that everyone is allowed one big mistake in their lives. But then that failure always remained at the back of my mind and took me to a dark side. I started drinking more, I avoided people as everyone wanted to know how work was and I detested when anyone asked me about it. I was mad, mad at everyone and everything.
I decided I needed a break from the whole kit and caboodle and search for what I want to do or at least do something that will take me forward. I started listening to more and more of motivating YouTube videos and reading self-help books. Every one of them seemed to be shouting directly at me to take that leap… to have faith in yourself. And since by this time I was filled with pure frustration towards my job, I quit.
After a while of doing nothing and contemplating over, I don’t know what, I realized I never should have read those fucking books. I had no passion that I actually knew of. Every morning I wasn’t ready to leave my bed, because I didn’t know what to do the entire day. I was tired of going through every day of nothingness. Quarter-life crises, existential crises, give whatever name you like I was going through them all.
Suicidal thoughts? Every second! But the moment I held those pills in my hand, I threw them away. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a completely different person. How could I do that? Fuck! I was never weak, I was ALWAYS strong and independent, and that’s what I will again be. I needed to vent out all my negative thoughts… get it all out of my system… throw it to the Universe and straighten my head for once and all. I started writing every single silly thought that crossed my head, started talking to my best of friends again, poured my heart out and worked on myself.
Every day is a struggle if you don’t know what you are living for. But then the struggle is necessary because at the end of the day you really do want to live. I have started taking my life forward each day at a time. Setbacks will always be there, I may or may not find my purpose. Everything may not work out the way I want. But then again life is full of possibilities, and I haven’t had enough!
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