The Black Diary #1

The Black Diary is a symbolic segment that is created to tell the secret story of your struggle. This segment is for those brave-hearts fighting their silent battles every day & night. Let the world know your battle because you’re not alone. Few in this world of billions are ready to reach out to help you, or you can just finally let out those negative vibes out.
ALL ENTRIES IN THE BLACK DIARY WOULD BE KEPT ANONYMOUS.

SUBMIT YOUR ENTRY HERE ⇒ BLACK DIARY SUBMISSION


Have you ever felt like you are prisoner of your own imagination?

I really don’t know how to phrase this question but all I understand is that I really don’t understand anything going inside my head. I look around and I see enormous amount of success stories yet those stories never really motivated me to the extent that I could replicate them.

Day in and day out, I have been falling into the same pattern of self-destruction. Don’t worry I am not harming myself physically, it’s just that I am taking a toll on my self esteem, or rather my self portrait. I am loosing myself in the process of trying to compete with people around me on daily basis. Honestly, I never really knew the path I wanted to walk on. I just let my emotions take hold of me, moreover I let the situation dictate me the terms and conditions.

I no longer am the young person with a dream to achieve something great. I have started to give up on my dreams and now I am at the edge of the cliff of giving upon myself. Again, don’t worry I am not suicidal. I am just under a lot of stress as I expected more from myself. I wondered how people work from 9 to 5 for 5 days a week and still manage to do things they love, or at least try to do so.

I am drowning in the sea of self-expectations as well as the expectation of those who love me. You may say that I am suffering from depression and I won’t deny that either especially keeping my past in mind. I have a history of depression and I guess my mind is just stuck in the time capsule revolving around the past. I know that past is a good place to visit but not to stay. What if the past I want to get over with, ends up on the doorsteps of my present? What to do in that case?

Every day I woke up with nothing to look forwards to so I try to get a TV series as my escape from the reality. I don’t talk to friends because I am tired of lying to them about my future plans. I don’t talk to new people because I am tired of telling them my story. I don’t do anything new because I am scared of failing again. Every 2 to 3 months I just take couple of days off and go into solitude. My friends think I like being alone but the truth is that I am just trying to gather the strength to carry on for the next 2-3 months.

I write in those hours of solitude. I write and I write till my head hurts. Till my soul let out the negative feelings buried inside. Till I shed few tears because even my own tears have somehow betrayed me. I don’t look for counsel because I don’t want to scare my loved ones. I just try to escape MY reality through the characters of my story. I somehow manage to make my friends take some inspiration out of my own story and those that I write. Even though they have no clue that I am pretty good at lying.

I lie to them or rewrite my story to make it sound worse than it really was because I know that if a person hears someone is more miserable than they are then they tend to feel better. Well, that tells a lot about how sick a human mind is that it feels better knowing someone’s misery. That’s how we all are even when we deny it. Some feel better consciously and some unconsciously.

The truth is we all are in some or the other type of pain.

You may be in pain of losing someone you loved.

He may be in pain of losing his dream.

She may be in pain of not trying harder.

I am in pain of losing myself.

This is a bad day for me, or even one of the worse but trust me I may be down but not dead. I will gather whatever strength is left in me. I will summon my courage to fight my demons. I will take one day at a time.

I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MYSELF.

I WILL NOT SURRENDER.

THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY,

THIS IS THE BEGINNING.


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30 comments

  1. Somehow it feels like I wrote this entry myself. It’s amazing how much your emotional life reflects mine.
    Just don’t give up. There are thick clouds in the sky blocking the sun, but we’ve been told over and over again that there’s a bright sky hiding behind.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I stumbled upon this website by chance and clicked on a random post. I have read few posts on different websites yet none came close to this heartfelt truth. The person who wrote this made an impression on me forever. The raw emotions and the impeccable sense of self awareness is commendable. God speed to the writer. Will come back for more. Thank you for inspiring.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I can relate to some aspects of your story. I think it is the burden of artists to some extent. I’ve found channeling my thoughts into writing a novel has helped tremendously and my go tv series is Frasier 😆 . Beautifully written. I feel as if you can create a character based on your experiences and plan a book from there. It will fast become a healthy outlet for you. Take care!

    Like

  4. I felt this is my story.. after working from 4a.m. early in the morning to 10:30 p.m. at night, non-stop I work for my family and there’s nothing for me. The same pain, the worst pain but still LIFE GOES ON …
    Beautifully written 😘

    Liked by 1 person

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